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I was for you as Abu Zara’ was for Umm Zara’
By Sh. Ibrahim
June 5, 09
'A'isha (may Allah be pleased with her) reported that (one day) there sat together eleven women making an explicit promise amongst themselves that they would conceal nothing about their spouses. The
The first described her husband as one who is unapproachable and difficult to reach. He does not listen to her and if she speaks he puts her down.
The second one said: My husband (is so bad) that I am afraid I would not be able to describe his faults-both visible and invisible completely.
The third one is so insecure with her husband because he threatens to divorce her for any reason. She puts up with him even though she does not feel as married to him.
The fourth one said: My husband is like the night of Tihama (the night of Hijaz and Mecca), neither too cold nor hot, neither there is any fear of him nor grief.
The fifth one said: My husband is (like) a leopard as he enters the house, and behaves like a lion when he gets out, and he does not ask about that which he leaves in the house.
The sixth one said her husband only cares about himself and does not pay attention to her feelings.
The seventh one said: her husband has all kinds of problems and he either breaks her arm or wound her head or both.
The eighth one said: My husband is as sweet as the sweet-smelling plant, and as soft as the softness of the hare.
The ninth one said: My husband is the master of a lofty building, long-statured, having heaps of ashes (at his door) and his house is near the meeting place and the inn.
The tenth one said: My husband is Malik, and how fine Malik is, much above appreciation and praise (of mine). He has many folds of his camel, more in number than the pastures for them. When they (the camels) hear the sound of music they become sure that they are going to be slaughtered.
The eleventh one said: My husband is Abu Zara'. How fine Abu Zara' is! He has suspended in my ears heavy ornaments and (fed me liberally) that my sinews and bones are covered with fat. So he made me happy. He found me among the shepherds living in the side of the mountain, and he made me the owner of the horses, camels and lands and heaps of grain and he finds no fault with me. I sleep and get up in the morning (at my own sweet will) and drink to my heart's content. The mother of Abu Zara', how fine is the mother of Abu Zara'! Her bundles are heavily packed (or receptacles in her house are filled to the brim) and the house quite spacious. So far as the son of Abu Zara' is concerned, his bed is as soft as a green palm-stick drawn forth from its bark, or like a sword drawn forth from its scabbard, and whom just an arm of a lamb is enough to satiate. So far as the daughter of Abu Zara' is concerned, how fine is the daughter of Abu Zara', obedient to her father, obedient to her mother, wearing sufficient flesh and a source of jealousy for her co-wife. As for the slave-girl of Abu Zara', how fine is she; she does not disclose our affairs to others (outside the four walls of the house). She does not remove our wheat, or provision, or take it forth, or squander it, but she preserves it faithfully (as a sacred trust). And she does not let the house fill with rubbish. One day Abu Zara' went out (of his house) when the milk was churned in the vessels, that he met a woman, having two children like leopards playing with her pomegranates (chest) under her vest. He divorced me (Umm Zara') and married that woman (whom Abu Zara') met on the way. I (Umm Zara') later on married another person, a chief, who was an expert rider, and a fine archer: he bestowed upon me many gifts and gave me one pair of every kind of animal and said: Umm Zara', make use of everything (you need) and send forth to your parents (but the fact) is that even if I combine all the gifts that he bestowed upon me, they stand no comparison to the least gift of Abu Zara'.
'A'isha reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said to me: I am for you as Abu Zara' was for Umm Zara'. In another narration, he said, except I will not divorce you. She Said: “You are better for me than Abu Zara’ was for Umm Zara’.”
This hadith teaches us a side in the marriage life that men often ignore. We often think of what we want and would like to see our wives do, but forget to empathize and see us through their eyes. Those eleven women sat and described what they liked and disliked about their husbands. Perhaps we can listen to our wives and know exactly how they see us. We may have become complacent and felt secure with them knowing that they would not leave us. So what can rejuvenate our marriages and bring the old love back is to try to rectify the image if it was distorted or improve it on both sides.
Allah swt described the marriage contract as a solemn covenant. He said:
And how could you take it back while you have gone in unto each other, and they have taken from you a firm covenant.”
Each one of the marriage partners has revealed his or her innermost secrets to the other, which is something they would never do with anyone even the closest relatives.
Allah also describe the intimacy of the husband and wife in this aayah:
“They are like garments for you and you are like garments for them.”
The word garment describes many relations:
A garment adorns you so you look nice and covers your imperfections. A wife is adornment for her husband. She beautifies him and makes him look good in front of others. So is the husband for his wife.
A garment protects you from the cold and the heat. Your spouse is your source of warmth when you are cold and visa versa.
Your garment is closer to you than anything so is your spouse.
Allah prescribed rights for the wives over their husbands set by the norms of society. Allah says:
“…They have rights similar to the obligations on them in a manner that is reasonable, but men have a degree over them…”
Ib Abbas says in his tafsir of this verse, “I adorn myself for my wife just as she adorns herself for me. Also, I do not like to ask her to fulfill all the rights that she owes me, for then she would ask me to fulfill all the rights that I owe her.” He also said: “the degree urges men to make married life beautiful and to extend to women wealth and morals , that is , it is fitting for the one higher in rank to burden himself.”
Allah said:
…Do not forget graciousness between yourselves…
One of the signs of graciousness, which Allah has told men not forget in dealing with their wives, is to live with them in kindness.
The Prophet (saw) is the best example to follow if we should wish for a happy marriage:
1. He (sw) paid attention to how his wives would feel. Aiysha narrated that the prophet (saw) said: “I know when you are pleased with me and when you are angry with me.” She said: “How do you know that?” He said: “When you are pleased with me you say, No! by the Lord of Muhammad!” But when you are angry with me you say, “No! by the Lord of Ibrahim!.” Aiysha said: “I said, that is right! But , By Allah O Messenger of Allah, I only abandon your name.”
2. The Prophet (saw) was loyal to all of his wives:
Aiysha narrated: “I was never as jealous of any of the women of the prophet (saw) like I was of Khadija, though I had never seen her. The Prophet (saw) used to mention her often. Sometimes he would slaughter a sheep and distribute its meat on behalf of Khadija.” The Prophet (saw) used to always remember Khadija and speak about her excellent traits.
3. The Prophet (saw) used to play with his wives like he once raced with Aiysha and she won once and he one the second time. He also used to allow them to have fun, like when he allowed Aiysha to have the two little girls sing for her on the day of Eid. He also allowed her to watch the Abassinyans fencing in the masjid. She watched while her cheek was touching his cheek until she got bored and went inside.
4. The Prophet (saw) participated with his wives in their house duties. They were asked how the Prophet was at home, they said: He would do house chores helping his family.”
5. The Prophet (saw) took care of his hygiene and smell. He often used the siwak to clean his mouth and keep his breath fresh. He loved good fragrances and often had some on. Aiysha was asked what the Prophet (saw) would do first when he got home, she said, “He would ask for the siwak.” Sometimes he would let her use it first and then would use it after her. It made her happy to see that the Prophet (saw) used it after her.
6. The Prophet (saw) was very loving with his wives. Umm salama was asked if the Prophet ever kissed her when he was fasting or when she was fasting. she said, “as for me no, but with her yes (meaning Aiysha)” Aiysha noticed that the Prophet (saw) would drink after her from the same spot where she had put her mouth.
These are few examples on how we can renew our married life and make it more pleasant. Remember what the Prophet (saw) said in his last Hajj: “Be kind to women.” Being kind to them is not only by fulfilling their rights but also by treating them as we would like them to treat us: to pay attention to their feelings and to share with them many of our life aspects and making them secure and feel important. Be considerate and do something special for them: here are some tips:
Call your wife if you think you are going to be late.
Tell her if you are going to eat out
Bring her a meal with you
Buy her flowers
Take the kids our and give her sometime for herself.
Do not mention other women to her.
Etc.
Sounds like a Good Idea!
As Salamu alaykum
Salvaging the true identity of Muslim women is a great purpose. May Allah give you the strength and knowledge to go through with your project. Please let us know if we can be of assistance. I am glad that this article was beneficial to you. Please take the time to listen to the khutbah under the same title in the khutbah section (it may have some additional points). Jazaki Allahu khayran
Superb
I simply want to thank you for posting such an article online. It is helping me in my quest to develop an organization geared toward salvaging the Muslim woman's identity and love for herself. Maybe I can visit your center in the near future.
Thank you so much. And may Allah (SWT) be forever pleased with you. Amin.
Jazakallah Khairun,
Ameerah T. Saafir
Compton, CA